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A man takes
his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly
hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and
see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple
walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said,
"Come on in."
When they
opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over
the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people
that broke the window?" "Uh... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that,"
the husband replied.
"Oh, no
apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."
"Wow, that's
great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd
like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem,"
said the genie, "you've got it. It's the least I can do. And I'll
guarantee you a long, healthy life!
"And now
you, young lady, what do you want?" "I'd like to own a gorgeous home
complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And
now," the couple asked in unison, "what's YOUR wish, genie?" "Well,
since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in
over a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The
husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, we both now have a
fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over
for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our
good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about your feelings,
Honey?" "You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do
the same for you!"
So
the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're
both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said,
"thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
How_A_computer_works_as_explained:
Have you ever wondered just how your computer works? Well ... It's
finally
explained here in one, easy to understand, illustration:
Now you know!!
Now you can fix it!
History Lesson
Have a history teacher explain
this----- if they can?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to
Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to
Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President
in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President
in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with
civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while
living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
You ready? Here we go.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners
named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln,
was born in 1808. Lyndon
Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was
born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated
Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated
Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their
three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen
letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named
'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called '
Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his
assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a
warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated
before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was
in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn
Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many
people as you can, cause Hey, this is one history lesson people don't
mind reading
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If
I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of
dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man
asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light distric! t
instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what
a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A
little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head
of the family, so call me President Blair. Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here
to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So
the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the
little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now,"
The
father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The
little boy replies, " President Blair is screwing The Working Class (no
change there then!) While The Government is sound asleep. The People
are being ignored and The Future is in deep poo!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The bunny and the snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both
were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a
bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to
hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm
going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what
I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is like
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew
my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and
work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful.", replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches,
and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a
bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you.", cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be a Team Leader, a Supervisor or
possibly someone in Senior Management."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
JAMES
BOND’S WATCH
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear
Technical Support
18
months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To
make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive
versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program,
Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually,
I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only
to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they
caused severe damage to my hardware.
I
eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While
Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
Shortly
after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run.
Any
mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and
could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had
forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer
and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Whinge.
These
latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
problem is.
Additional
problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop
Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child
processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new
games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal
operation.
Also,
when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently
I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.
Any ideas?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheep sheep
sheep.....
A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to
breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of
the sheep are getting pregnant, and
calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't
have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He
comes to the conclusion that artificial
insemination means he has to impregnate
the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into
his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the
sheep. Seeing that they are all still
standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure
brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still
just standing round. One more try, he
tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the
woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning,
he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He
asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the
grass. "No," she says,
"they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read this
question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for
the result.
This is not
a trick question.
It is as it
reads.
No one I
know has got it right.
A woman,
while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not
know.
She thought
this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be,
that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his
number and could not find him.
A few days
later she killed her sister.
Question:
What is her motive for killing her sister?
Give this
some thought before you answer
>
>
>
>
Answer: She
was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test
by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the
test and answered the question correctly.
If you
didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got
the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email
list, unless of course that will upset you, then I'll just be extra
nice to you instead
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THE RULES OF MANHOOD
1.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie
starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss'
car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37
seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her
teeth
3.
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates.
4.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5.
If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her. End of story.
6.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
7.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.
9.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest. End of story.
10.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
11.
You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of fart
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
12.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
13.
Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.
14.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
15.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's
fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.
17.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight. End of story.
18.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both.
19.
If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more!
Harder!
c. Another set and we can
hit the showers!
22.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary. End of story.
24.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
big mistake it was.
25.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.
26.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green or
orange.
27.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.
End of story.
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