.Jokes & Stories 03-11-02 revised 25-10-06, 17-11-06

West Indies St. Marrten
West Indies 1978 - St. Marrten (salt making) - Once again taken with Agfa Silette I and light tables. Film processing had improved since 1971 but the pictures needed enhancing. I actually got the film processed five years later.

Golf lesson
History Lesson
Homeless Man   Roy Jenkins (woy) once said he would have no ranker in his party - but he did not actually say that.
What is Politics?
The bunny and the snake A quick observation test for you to check out  http://custurd.b3ta.com/femaleorshemale/
JAMES BOND’S WATCH
Technical Support Q. What does Jackie Collins wear behind her ears to attract men?
Sheep sheep sheep..... A. Her feet.
Psychopath Test Apologies for the age of joke and therefore the subject of the joke,
THE RULES OF MANHOOD  You might think the word attract offensive in this case.
True Conversations
Something to sing!! Science lesson:- Water passing through a semipermable membrane (like skin) to salty water, this is osmosis. Therfore I reckoned that it is not the oil in the chips that makes me fat, but the salt on the chips and then bathing to often that makes me fat. I shall therefore be going on a bathing fast to loose weight. Alternatively it has been pointed out that a Radox (salts) bath could make you come out like a prune.
Times have Changed - Trafalgar 2004
Girls Night Out  When my sister was in her teens dad found a baby squirl in the garden. He said to Avril hold out your hand for the squirl, but Avril being sceptical said lets see what's in your hand. Dad said I can't open my hand the baby squirl will get away, so Avril put her cupped hands out and received, the slimy frog from dad.
Can you pass this quiz??    
Man & Woman Facts   I know I am in touch with my feminine side as I like chocolate and ice cream. Dad would have said that's not good for you, don't eat the chocolate ..... unless you want to. Meaning the chocolate is bad for me but he was not annoyed with me.
The Excitement    
German Calendar
www.bibelkalender.de     I know women are superior to men, I found.this out when I was five. In a sports day boys race we were all beaten by the three year old girl who lived next door to me, and had joined in. Miss Day got a lolly for that.
CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS  
Congratulations…We survived!    You should listen to what your body tells you, BUT......... Both my mum and my sister tell me off if they here my body.
Newsflash! 

Oh No....   Dad advised me you can't keep on enjoying yourself you should get married.
Security alert 
http://www.themeatrix.com I've been advised - In the event of feeling like doing something IMMEDIATELY lie down and
wait for the feeling to pass.
Inner Peace  
Try This   Tommy Cooper goes shopping looking for camouflage trousers - he could not see any anywhere.
Brain_Surgery If your happy and you know it bomb Iraq Dentist tells Tommy Cooper to say "Ahaaa", he says "why", Dentist "my dog died".
Because I'm a man............  
Newcastle Windaz Too Thoosand Seven dwarfs in the bath feeling happy. Happy got out and they felt grumpy
Rules for Work      
Home Truths - Double Glazing Eric Morcombe picks up a ring phone and says "you got the wrong number there is no phone here"
Excess_Gas      
Excerpts from the Bain Review Mary had a little lamb, It walked into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's arse, And turned it's wool to nylon.
The Raisin    
Wheel-Barrow The trouble with a bicycle is that you can't open the window when you are hot or have farted.
Memory loss in old age 
Americans  Ron tells me the problem when men get old is they forget to zip up after, but when they get older the problem is forgetting to unzip first.
Beware.......Rude_Joke 
45_Things_We_Have_Learnt_Off_Television May West said It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.
Heres_what_Ive_discovered.   
A_cautionary_tale_of_Local_Government When May West was good she was very good, but when she was bad she was better.
Womans Logic  
Bad Day Sarah xxx says - It's ok to kiss a fool. It's ok to let a fool kiss you. But don't let a kiss fool you.
Good_old_Tommy_Cooper_jokes   
MEN STRIKE BACK     Q. What is the difference between a constipated owl and a marksman who can't shoot.
So That Is The Difference A. One shoots but can't hit the other hoot's but can't sh...t.

Azores Azores  Pinapple
Return from the 1978 visit to the West Indies (Limbo dancing was one of the most impressive shows I've ever seen) - Azores (blue and green lakes).
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Golf lesson

A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "you've got it. It's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's YOUR wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in over a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about your feelings, Honey?" "You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

 So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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How_A_computer_works_as_explained:

Have you ever wondered just how your computer works? Well ... It's finally
explained here in one, easy to understand, illustration:
How_A_computer_works_as_explained
Now you know!!
Now you can fix it!

History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.

You ready? Here we go.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon

Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'

Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a

warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading

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Homeless Man

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light distric! t instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
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What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"  


Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me President Blair. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.  
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.  
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.  
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.  

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.  


The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"  

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."  

The little boy replies, " President Blair is screwing The Working Class (no change there then!) While The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep poo!"

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The bunny and the snake


Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.  By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.  This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going.  In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake.  "Actually, my story is like yours.  I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.  Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful.", replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.  I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you.", cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.  I'd say you must be a Team Leader, a Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."
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JAMES BOND’S WATCH

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch.  I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?  What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"

weather

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 Technical Support

Dear Technical Support

 

18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

 

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

 

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

 

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

 

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

 

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.

 

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

 

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge.

 

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

 

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

 

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

 

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

 

Any ideas?

Office 2005

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 Sheep sheep sheep.....

A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and  drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn.
Office 2005


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Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question.

It is as it reads.

No one I know has got it right.

 

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know.

She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer

 >
 >


Office 2005
 >
 >
 

Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list, unless of course that will upset you, then I'll just be extra nice to you instead

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THE RULES OF MANHOOD

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

        a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
        b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
        c. After wrecking your boss' car.
        d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
        e. When she is using her teeth

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.  End of story.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

7. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

9. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.  End of story.

10. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

11. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of fart entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

12. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

13. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

14. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

15. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.  End of story.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.

19. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20.  Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

        a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
        b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
        c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.  For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.  Hang up if necessary. End of story.

24.  The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green or orange.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story.


Office2005 


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True Conversations

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics

Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from              the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:      "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services

Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in
Australia?"

Operator:      " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France):
"If I register my car in
France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries

Caller:               "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".
Operator:          "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer:             "OK".
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

 Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
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Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:                 "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's     on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. 
 

Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:           "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:            "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

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Times have Changed - Trafalgar 2004

The end of civilisation.
Trafalgar 2004

Nelson:  "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy:  "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson:  "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy:  "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud):  "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.  What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy:  "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.  We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors lest it be considered racist."

Nelson:  "Gadzooks, Hardy.  Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy:  "Sorry sir.  All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson:  "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy:  "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson:  "Good heavens, Hardy.  I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy:  "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson:  "Damn it man!  We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.  We must advance with all dispatch.  Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy:  "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson:  "What?"

Hardy:  "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.  No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.  They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson:  "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy:  "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson:  "Wheelchair access?   I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy:  "Health and safety again, sir.  We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson:  "Differently abled?  I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.  I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy:  "Actually, sir, you did.  The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson:  "Whatever next?  Give me full sail.  The salt spray beckons."

Hardy:  "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.  And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson:  "I've never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy:  "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson:  "What?   This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir.  It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.  There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson:  "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy:  "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson:  "We're not?"

Hardy:  "No, sir.  The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.  According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.  We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson:  "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy:  "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir.  You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson:  "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy:  "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.  It could save your life"

Nelson:  "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy:  As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu!  And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson:  "What about sodomy?"

Hardy:  "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson:  "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls Night Out

Two women walking home from a girls night out need a pee, so they go into the cometary. But one says there's no toilet paper I'll use my knickers and then throw them away. The other finds a ribbon with a card and wipes her bum with the ribbon. Next day two hsubands discuusing how there wives came home, One says my wife came home with no knickers, And the other husband says mine came back with a card up her bum with best wishes from the lads at fire brigade written on it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you pass this quiz??
 
Test for  Dementia 
    (INSANITY for short in English)
Below are  four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly.  You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.  OK?


Let's  find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?  GO!!!(scroll  down) 

First  Question:

You are  participating in a race You overtake the second person. What position are you  in?



























Answer:If you  answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake  the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to  screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as  much time as you took for the first question.








Second  Question:





If you  overtake the last person, then you are...?























Answer: If  you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me,  how can you overtake the LAST Person?



    You're not very good at this! Are you?  



     Third  Question:

Very tricky  math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and  pencil or a calculator. Try it.




Take 1000  and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add  20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?











Scroll  down for answer.







Did you get  5000?








The correct  answer is actually 4100.



Don't  believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day.  Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth  Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:  1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth  daughter?











































   


Answer:  Nunu?  


NO!Of course  not.
Her name isMary  . Read the question again









Okay, now  the bonus round:

There is a  mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing  one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.





  
Now if  there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he  express himself?





























  
  





He just has  to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

     

KEEP  THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE

SMART  PEOPLE IN YOUR  LIFE!




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Man & Woman Facts

MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS –
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY THE END OF THE MONTH

NOTE:  DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1:  “How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays”   Step-by-step, with slide presentation.  Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2:  “The Toilet Paper Roll - Does it Change Itself?”  Round-the table discussion.   Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at 2:00pm for 2 hours.

Class 3:  “Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?”  Group practice.  Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00pm for 2 hours.  (Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)

Class 4:  “Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor”  Pictures and explanatory graphics.  Meetings are Saturdays at 2:00pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5:  “After Dinner Dishes.  Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?”  Video presentation.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00pm.

Class 6:  “Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other”  Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets fourWeeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00pm.

Class 7:  “Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming”  Open forum.  Monday at 8:00pm, 2 hours.

Class 8:  “Health Watch - Giving her flowers is not harmful to your health”  Graphics and audio tapes.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00pm for 2 hours.
 
Class 9:  “Real Men ask for Directions When Lost”  Real life
testimonials.  Tuesdays at 6:00pm, location to be determined.

Class 10:  “Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she
parallel parks”? Driving simulations.  Four weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. 
 
Class 11:  “Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife”  Online classes and role-playing.

Class 12:  “How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion”  Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.  Meets four weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00p.m.

Class 13:  “How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late”  Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00pm for 2 hours.

Class 14:  “The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used”
Live demonstration.  Tuesdays at 6:00pm, location to be determined.
?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations… We survived!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably should not have survived.

Our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.  We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets.
 
As children, we would ride in cars that had neither seat belts nor air bags.  When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)  Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
 
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.  Horrors!  We ate cupcakes, bread and butter with jam on, and drank fizzy drinks with sugar in them, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.  We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.  After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.  No one was able to reach us all day.  No mobile phones……unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no personal mobile phones, no personal computers, nor Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!  We went outside and found them.  We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees perhaps, got cut and broke bones and teeth perhaps, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.  They were accidents: no one was to blame but us.  Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.  We made up games that used sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.  Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.  Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.  Horrors!  Tests at school were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own.  Consequences were expected, there was no-one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.  They actually sided with the law and said that we had let them down.  Imagine that!

Our generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.  We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with them all……

….And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsflash!

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 06th March 2003.
Epicentre: Canvey Island,Essex.
 
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe", "innit" and "cont". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately  GBP30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said " It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.    My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
 
HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, GBP2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, GBP5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
 
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.

funny copy
---------------------------------------------------------------
oh no...

This will make you groan .....
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as
well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.
Swoop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and
guzzles the last of it.
Swoop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street,
where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...












(wait for it)

























"He should have quit while he was a head!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
button
Security alert
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 
suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have
been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Hiding, Bin Fukinabout, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin
have all been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the
description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you searching for Inner Peace. Patterns

Enjoy.

How I got INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read:

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider & a large reefer

You have no idea how f*cking good I feel....

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laural & Hardy

Womans Logic

Last night my wife said to me that the American and British Governments had publicly said that their troops were not there to stop the looters of property which
belongs to the people of Iraq as that in all the Government departments, hospitals, archeological museums, etc., and they were not there to act as the local police.

    She then asked me why then they were so active protecting the oil wells?
    This war is not about oil, of course!!
Just a woman's logic, no doubt!!

Jacob Matthan
http://www.findians.com/educated.html
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wink

A cautionary tale of Local Government

Once upon a time, the Local Government and the Local Boys School decided to have a competitive boat race on the river. Both teams practiced long and hard
to reach their peak performance and on the big day they were as ready as could be …….The Boys School won by a mile.

Afterwards the Local Government team became very discouraged by the loss, and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing
defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion: the problem was that the
Boys School team had eight people  rowing and one person steering; the Local Government team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

Senior Management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the teams structure. Many pounds and several months later they concluded that too
many people were steering and not enough were doing the rowing. To prevent losing to the Boys School next year, the team structure was changed to four
'Steering Managers', three 'Senior Managers' and one 'Executive Steering Manager'. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person
rowing the boat more incentive to work harder and become a key performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it".

The next year the Boys School won by two miles.

The Local Government laid  off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all  capital investment for new equipment and halted
development of a new boat. They awarded high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved to Senior Management. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dove with olive twig
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.Now that I'm "older"(but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered.

1 -     I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2 -     My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3 -     I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4 -     Funny, I remember being absent minded.

5 -     All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6 -     If all is not lost where is it?

7 -     It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8 -     Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9 -     I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10     Kids in the back seat cause accidents

11     Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12     It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13     The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14     If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15     When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16     It's not hard to meet expenses.....they're everywhere.

17     The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18     These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19     I'm unable to remember if I have mailed this to you before or not.

Now I think you're supposed to send this to five or six, maybe 10, oh heck, send it to a bunch of friends if you can remember who they are.

Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brain Surgery

British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a brain out of one  person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in four weeks.

The American doctor (not to be outdone) says, "You guys are way behind,  we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war."

The world does not belong to US
----------------------------------

Something to sing!!


To the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"


If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it'all the proof I need
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

-------------------------------
stop fox hunting

Because I'm a man............

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't like it. Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

 Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

 This has been a public service message for women, to better understand the Male animal.
---------------------------------------------------------

Having a  Drink

Newcastle Windaz Too Thoosand

It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several thousand copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as "Windaz Too Thoosand", have been accidentally shipped out of Newcastle.

If you have purchased one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of "Windaz 2000" by:

1) The hour-glass has been replaced by a tipping bottle of Newcastle Brown.
2) The Recycle Bin is labelled as "Shite".
3) Dial-up network is called "Me mates".
4) The Control Panel is known as " How we fook aboot wi the settins".
5) The hard drive is referred to as " Big disk wi aall me stoof on it".

Other features of note are:

1) The "OK" button is labelled "Alreet".
2) The "Cancel" button is labelled "Fook that".
3) The "Yes" button is labelled "Aye".
4) The "No" button is labelled "Nee fookin chance".
5) The "Goto" button is labelled "Owa there".
6) "Help" is known as "Ah cannit dee it".
7) The Personal folder/ My Documents is called "Me Shite".

Also, Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters nor punctuation marks.

 There are also some applications written especially for "Windaz 2000", and they are:

1) "Tipe Rita" - a word processor.
2) "Cullarin Book" - a graphics package.
3) "Addin masheen" - a calculator.
4) "Dole 2000" - Accounting software.
5) "Porn" - Internet Explorer
---------------------------------------------------




-------------------------------------------------------------

hit on the head

Rules for Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open t